Kylie’s in The Kitchen (better call for Pizza)
Today we’re taking a break from our weekly decorating sessions to talk about a topic close to my heart…cooking.
You would think that as a decorator, my skills would also carry forward into the kitchen (a la Martha Stewart). You thought wrong – dead wrong, which would also apply if you EAT what I cook.
In fact, I am a bit of a legend in the family when it comes to cooking and I do come by it quite honestly – in between twice-cooked pork chops and exploding casseroles I am kind of a big deal.
Let the games begin…
Twice Baked Porkchops
Oh, we all know how deliciously dry pork chops can be the first time around, just IMAGINE the glory on round TWO!
I’d decided that I could do this, I could ‘cook’ like a real Mom. So I whipped up a lovely little casserole (which means I put ground beef with mushroom soup and rice and clapped for myself). In the middle of cooking, I thought to myself, ‘Hey, I’m going to get ahead of the game and I’m going to get dinner ready for TOMORROW nite’. I brought some lovely lil pink pork chops out of the freezer, tossed them on a pan, and set them in the oven at 375. They cooked, I turned the oven off and carried on with my dinner making.
Insert whistling here…
4:30 the next day. Hmmm, what are we going to have for dinner? MMMM, PORK CHOPS! Totally oblivious to the fact that I had ALREADY COOKED said pork chops, I proceeded to turn the oven on to 375 and got a few other things ready.
1/2 an hour later, ‘Mom, what’s that weird smell?’
THE PORK CHOPS!!! Oh, the pork chops were cooked and ready to go alright! I managed to COMPLETELY forget that I’d actually COOKED them the day before AND had left them in the oven overnight, leaving them ripe n’ ready for a little ‘reheat’. I should’ve thrown some potatoes in as well, I hear they’re AWESOME when twice-baked.
Mr Noodles & Toast
Oh, and you thought Mr. Noodles were fool-proof, didn’t you!
4:33. Soccer practice starts at 5:00 and my brain finally kicks into Mom mode and says ‘
Crap Hey, what’s for dinner?’ Hmmm, what’s for dinner, what’s for dinner…MR NOODLES. So, I fill a pot, set it on the stove, and turn it to high.
Cassie: Mom, it’s making a lot of noise, like popping and there’s smoke.
Me: Oh there’s just water on the outside of the pot.
Cassie: Mom, it’s still doing that and now it really stinks.
Me: It’s just water sweetie.
Moments later, I start thinking, ‘Am I having a stroke? Why do I smell burnt toast, what’s going on here?’ I turn around to see smoke billowing out from underneath the pot and I’m thinking ‘What the Hell, IT’S WATER – HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN???‘ At which point I lift the pot up and see something crispified to the element as well as to the bottom of the pot.
Toast. That’s right. There is apparently more than one way to make toast, the more effective way being in a toaster, but coming in a hot second is having a piece of bread stuck to the bottom of your pot which is then flattened onto an element and torched.
How did a piece of bread come to be stuck on the bottom of my pot? Thanks for asking! Well, earlier we’d made jello (I’ve got a 50/50 chance with that stuff) and put the pot in the sink. The same sink that Maggie put her leftover sandwich into. So, knowing I’d only used that pot for boiling water, I picked it up out of the sink, filled ‘er up and set it on the stove, not knowing there was a soggy half-loaf attached to it. This is my life.
The Maxi-Pad Incident
So you know that white pad that comes under the steak? Apparently, it’s not the spice packet, nor is it a maxi pad from the 1960s…
Tim doesn’t let me use the BBQ. Now don’t go all women’s lib on me, because it’s not like that. It’s about the preservation of our house and lives as if I can’t handle an electric stove, just IMAGINE what I could do with gas!
4:30. I look in the fridge and think ‘Hmmm, what can I make for dinner…STEAK!’ There it was, a nice big slab of red meat mooing at me from its styrofoam package, just waiting to be cooked to a tender medium-rare. I pull out the frying pan (yes, I tried to cook a steak with a frying pan), slap ‘er down, and turn it on high.
Insert whistling again…
Cassie: Mom, what’s that weird smell? (story of their lives)
Me: It’s just the steak cooking.
Cassie: Well, it doesn’t smell good.
A short while later, hmmm, it does smell gross – maybe it’s rotten? While I try to decipher the offensive smell, I grab a fork, flip the steak over and… ‘WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?’ On the bottom of the steak, there’s this weird, mangled teflony pad that has melted itself in between the frying pan and the steak. Oh. You mean there was a maxi-paddish thing in between the steak and its styrofoam container? Apparently. I don’t know what this thing is made of or why it’s there, but APPARENTLY, it’s not meant to be cooked with the steak…just so you know.
The Exploding Casserole
Mmmm, I love me a good casserole. Now MY casseroles tend to scare Tim as you just never know what is going to end up in them, but lately, I’ve been doing okay – steering away from the misc. salad dressings, frozen vegetables and canned meats that usually make their way to my mixing bowl.
I actually made a really good casserole this time. Chicken, mushroom soup – you know, stuff. I brought it out of the oven just steaming, even the girls were excited about it. I set it on the stove, scooped out healthy portions for everyone and we all sat down to eat.
Maggie: Mmmm, Mom, this is SO good.
Cassie: Ya Mom, this is REALLY REALLY good.
Me: Oh good, I’m glad you…
So. ‘Apparently’ when you bring a glass casserole dish out of the oven you shouldn’t place it on a hot element. Oh, you mean that element you left on after cooking some broccoli? Ya, that element. Doing so may cause a rather large explosion as shards of glass, chicken and other good things are catapulted throughout the Kitchen.
Mr Noodles anyone?
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My heart is soaring! I always thought I was the only one who cooked with two left hands. The second left hand is temporary and only appears when I walk through the kitchen door. Even when I try to follow a recipe with details so complete that it even directs me to a specific store to buy the items needed, my vision and my brain forget how to cooperate and I see directions that aren’t there or miss important steps, even those printed in bold type. When the whole family is coming over for Christmas dinner, I start cooking 4 days ahead so that I have time to remake my mistakes.
Your children will survive and they will have wonderful stories to share with their children. I know this is true because my children and my husband now share my cooking past with my grandchildren. Over the years I have lowered everyone’s expectations and now I often order pizza when my understanding “crowd” is coming over for a meal.
I have laughed so hard and loud that my husband made me reread everything out loud to him. Thank you so much for sharing.
Wahoo, there are 2 of us! Thank you for sharing that with me! I often smell something and think ‘mmmm, smells like…..that my Mom made’. I wonder what MY girls are smelling when they think that same thing? Uh-huh.
I’m so glad I have you and the hubby a good giggle 😉
OMG, you are hilarious!! Good thing you can decorate. don’t think you’re going to make it as a chef, hon. Bless your heart (as we say in Texas),
No kidding, it IS a good thing! The kids might starve in the meantime, but DAMN my rooms are pretty!
It’s ironic that I am reading this as I am sitting on the couch looking at the paint swatches I have on the wall while realizing that a glob of something is on fire in the bottom of the oven.
Angela, that is AWESOME. That made me laugh out loud as it sounds JUST LIKE ME!
Seriously made me feel better! Made some muffins today that are completely inverted and resemble nothing so much as a volcano crater. Earlier this week, I put on stuff to make marinara sauce without thinking about the fact that I’m 9 weeks pregnant and the smell of tomatoes and onion is number one on the list of things that make me gag and puke. So, like any self respecting prego, I left the pot on high and fled to the furthest corner of the house to gag and puke. 20 minutes later we had a lovely scorched disaster, and the house has smelled like burned tomatoes and onions for days.
Oh Beth, that is too funny!!! You poor thing – don’t worry, the puking stage will pass 😉
Oh the tears! Thank you for a good laugh today!
I am sure your mom tried SO hard to pass along some great cooking skills to you. I bet she gave you little tricks and tips and great old family recipes. I bet she still believes that there is a cook somewhere deep down inside you. And I bet she read this WHOLE article laughing and nodding her head…..because she also knows that not everyone is good at EVERYTHING and she loves you just the way you are….
(We will bring Thanksgiving Dinner over….)
This is SO funny! I’ve had my shares of cooking disasters, so this made me feel so much better, knowing I’m in good company, LOL! Thanks for not being afraid to share!