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And Today…It’s All About Me

Posted on September 16, 2017 by KylieMawdsley

In the blogging world, it’s easy to feel like you know someone without having ever met them. I was thinking about that the other day, how you, my readers, my friends, read my blog every week (you better!) yet haven’t really had the chance to ‘know me’ other than through my writing.

If you’ve followed my blog for a long time, you’ve probably watched our home change from one colour to another over the past few years and marvelled at the patience of Tim as he endures my need to transform spaces over and over again. You know, those transformations don’t happen because I’m a ‘creative genius’ – okay maybe I am, but that’s beside the point. They happen because I have an Anxiety Disorder.

My quirkiness, my off-the-cuff remarks, my ability to say the wrong thing at the wrong time – that’s all me – not my anxiety disorder. However, it does cause Tim some anxiety.

Why am I sharing this with you? I don’t know. I guess maybe because I’m feeling so darned anxious lately (for no apparent reason) and I’ve found that sometimes through sharing our trials and tribulations we find connections and strength and sometimes just a sweet dollop of inner peace.

Then again, maybe you don’t want to know. Maybe you’re just in it for my stunning personality and vast knowledge of decorative hoo-hah. But then again, maybe you do want to know. Maybe the more you know about me, the more you’ll feel connected to me when I write and you’ll learn to recognize my funny quirks and mannerisms not just as a computer persona, but as the genuine article.

I have what is called a Generalized Anxiety Disorder with Obsessive Compulsive Tendencies. I don’t wash my hands 80 times a day or lock the same door 10 times (although I did go through a phase where I refused to lock any door). I’m also not overly afraid of heights, spiders or clowns. However, my quirks and anxieties manifest themselves in many other weird and wonderful ways (and yes, I’ve learned to embrace them as wonderful).

How did this happen, when did it all start? (This is where my mom says ‘oh shit, here she goes…’) Let’s just say that it’s a long story and leave it at that.

However…I am grateful for my family. I am grateful for each and every one one of them who have taught me about love, strength and support. I am equally as grateful to those who taught me about hate, anger and the emotions and actions revolving around them and resulting from them.  I have learned so much and this has formed the strong, kind, caring, gentle and tolerant person that I am today. Enough said…

And in the end, no matter how crappy I feel, no matter how hard it is to breathe or how much I feel like I want to just go CRAZY (er) – I have 2 beautiful little girls who are watching me and learning from me. But it’s not just they that are learning. It’s me. I am learning from them every day how to control myself, how to breathe, how to sit back and figure out what really matters. It’s not the underwear stacked neatly in the drawers, it’s not the colour of my walls or the obsessive thoughts that keep me up at nite. It’s these 2 beautiful babies who just want to hang out with mommy, colour a picture, read a book, have a snuggle. And then…I can breathe.

God, I love my life.  Thank you for reading…

Kylie M INteriors and family (2)

Kylie M Interiors, decorating blog, e-design, online colour consulting expert. signature



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Comments

  1. Very brave of you to share, Kylie. I think you’re wonderful! AND by the way, I was pissed when St. Ives changed my favourite unscented lotion by putting a perfume in it, and I had to switch to another brand.

    1. Thank you Eileen, you’ve followed my adventures almost from the beginning! Yes, Damn those St.Ives. I swear I was keeping them in business with the amount of cream I went through in a month – thank God for Aveeno!!!

  2. I think we all have some style of anxiety issue and when we can realize what it is and talk about it, we find out we are not alone. I remember the first time I had the anxiety that you talked about here, I had no idea what it was or why I was feeling that way. I thought I was going crackers! It overwhelmed me and I had no idea how to handle it. No one really talks about anxiety and what it feels like, how to handle it and how it manifests itself in our lives. Thank you for sharing 😉

    1. Thank YOU for sharing Danielle! I think anxiety is such a human emotion and once you open up you see how many kindred spirits are out there. It’s learning to manage the anxiety and rise above that is the challenge – and I rise to it everyday! Hopefully with more understanding in the community ‘mental health’ issues won’t have such a stigma attached to them like they did in the olden days.

  3. We have a lot in common Kylie. Abuse was also a factor in my life. I too struggled with anxiety & depression. I can say after years of counselling, I don’t have the anxiety any more. Medication helped me too. So many people say “Oh, I wouldn’t want to take medication,” as though we WANT to. No one wants to but I finally accepted I needed it. Life throws us a lot of curve balls that we need to deal with which further complicates the healing process. I hope you find peace with it all. I think you are a great decorator & most importantly a wonderful person. I love your blogs & thank you for being you. Nice to see you down on the Sea Wall last week.

    1. thank you for such a beautiful reply Lorraine! Medication just helps me to be a ‘better me’ and more able to enjoy my life more authentically – I’m glad you also found your happy place. Thank you so much for your comments, they touched my heart…
      Hugs….Kylie

  4. Beautiful, honest piece! And I learned something….I didn’t realize you don’t listen to or return your phone messages because you are afraid to!? Hang in there…you are doing a wonderful job at being a Mother, Wife, Daughter, Decorator, and best of all Friend 🙂 xo

  5. It was lovely meeting you today. Your post is amazing. I grew up with a bi-polar mother and my older sister is bi-polar. Along with medication, a sense of humor, supportive family and the knowledge that you are not alone helps. I hope to see you again soon.

    1. Helen, THANK you for sharing that with me! I find that the more people open up about mental health, the more understanding and compassion there is. Luckily I have such a great outlet for my worries and obsessions!!!
      I’m so happy I went into your store today and chatted with you guys. Both of you are so welcoming and informative on the chalk paint that it was just a pleasure. I’m SO excited to try out this paint and buy some more!!!!
      See you soon 🙂
      ~Kylie

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